Hooking the Reader - A Fiction Writer's Struggle

Today at Barnes & Noble, I flicked open the first page of a favorite author, T.C. Boyle. "The morning was a fish in a net, glistening and wriggling at the dead black border of her consciousness but she'd never caught a fish in a net or on a hook either, so she couldn't really say if or how or why," he writes.

Silently, I cheer for this author. His style (unlike his wallet and fame) mirrors my own. Boyle is not afraid of crossing the line, of using a metaphor in his hook, and then - incredulously - topping off the sentence with more language. Despite the current trend of digesting pages faster than a McDonald's hamburger; Boyle pushes the envelope. He is a satirical writer that not only makes us laugh, he makes us think. Now there's a concept.

When it comes to poetic writing, the plot seeking reader stomps in protest. Too flowery. Indulgent. And though it's true that a verbose sentence is a roadblock to the reader-- 'I get it! You like language! But I'm trying to read here!'--it is the writer's challenge, her mission, to make words sing. To create a melody. (Even Bon Jovi is writing and singing about it.)

Like most writers, I struggle with this. I labor over paragraphs for years. Take the opening paragraph of my novel. Note how it has morphed over the last few years:

2008 - Night's fog clung to Simone Dante's car, suffocating it in a blanket of November. Her wiper blades swept the glass wide and smooth, snow angel arms that offered comfort in lieu of visibility.

2009 - Night's fog clung to Simone Dante's car, veiling the black of her Mercedes in a film of white. Her wiper blades swept the glass wide and smooth, snow angel arms that offered comfort in lieu of visibility.

2010 - The fog was a veil over Simone Dante's car. Her wiper blades swept the glass wide and smooth, snow angels arms that did nothing to help her see, only provoked the question--should she drive home alone?--and then its counterpoint--what's the worst that can happen?

Not sure whether or not I've got the melody I'm seeking, but I'm comfortable with the balance of the words, with the sense of doom conveyed, and the overall rhythm of the paragraph.

Now it's your turn. Did I hook you? Want to read more?